Groaning

I haven't blogged in a while.  I've had ideas, but nothing stuck.  But I think I'm able to do it tonight.  In a way I have to.  I have been sitting here tonight, reading my Bible and listening to worship music.  My soul has been aching for God.  He has touched me down to the very core of my being.  My mind is absorbed thinking about what he has done for me.  My being just wants to be overwhelmed by him.  To just think about how Christ has made me whole.  How he has saved me from myself.

My salvation, my freedom, is not a story.  It is not an abstract idea.  It is the most deeply personal reality that could ever be experienced.  My father picked me up when I had nothing to attract him to me.  He wiped me clean of the filth I had been wallowing in, after I spat in his face and offended his greatness in so many ways.  He had every right to trample me under his feet.  But he took me and gave me new close and called me child when he should have condemned me.  It pleased him to save so great a sinner as I.  How do I thank him for such a gift?  How can I repay the gift of eternal life?  I can't.  All I have is this worthless life to give him.  But I give it with a willing heart.  I pray he can find use in something so flimsy, so feeble, so prone to fail and fall.

I was saved, not to fulfill my dreams, or to have the easiest life possible.  When my master came he lived the life of a peasant.  He gave freely and devoted himself fully to the Father's will.  He died in disgrace, a common criminal.  Am I greater than the one that saved me?  How can I think I deserve better?  His will is now my dream.  I know hard times must come because they came to my master.  I pray that God will give me the strength to trust him when those times come.  I pray I will be able to remember that my treasure lies not on this temporary planet, because my heart no longer lies here.  And that any suffering I might experience in this life is nothing compared to what I have been saved from.

I still have wars to be waged within myself.  If I know one thing about sin it's that it does not like to let go.  My old nature attempts to claw it's way back to the surface daily.  The only difference now is that I hate it.  I despise what I was.  All I ever want to do anymore is fall into the loving embrace of my maker.  He gives me so much more then my sin ever could.  I would appreciate the prayers of anyone reading this.

I know I have covered a lot.  Some of it may have seemed incoherent.  There was so much bouncing around in my soul tonight that I just had to get it out.  But before I end I would like to leave you with one thought: trust in Jesus.  I have not found anything more wonderful than the forgiveness and grace which Christ offers.  You won't want to go back.  If anyone reads this, I pray it will be helpful to you.